Shedding away the old me
panic
psychospastic
I am writing a post mostly for myself, to catalogue the steps I am taking in bettering myself.  I decided back in november if I wanted to go into the federal agencies or be an officer in the military I needed to get in shape.  I have been working out everyday since then with only two misses in the two month period.  When I started I was 238 lbs and now almost 60 days later I weigh 224 lbs.   Running multiple miles, doing pull downs, pushups, and crunches is making a big difference.  I hope to be 190 or under by the end of summer, and see no reason for it not to be possible, as well as I plan to be able to complete the basic requirements with little effort. 

I decided that I wanted to be out of college by summer, for lack of money and getting out of college for good, and will be doing that by overloading my classes taken this spring and then taking the additional three over may and summer.  I am trying to eat better to go along with the excercise as well as trying to get between seven and eight hours of sleep whenever i can.  

It looks like right now the military is a way to get into something that interests me more the federal agencies when I get out.  Army looks like the best choice right now as for the incentives and what I can do if I apply to OCS.  If I am accepted into OCS I am probably going to try to go Infantry and look towards the special forces community by doing things like airbourne, ranger school, etc if I get the chance.  Even in preparation for the military or federal service I took out my tongue ring in December.  The earrings are probably coming out in end of feb., as well as I don't like I will be dying my hair black again, and keeping it short.  With the lost weight, the different hair color, and the lack of piercings there is a different guy looking me in the mirror and he is ready to get on with life.

The Reflection Stares Back At Me
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psychospastic
 Everyone looks in the mirror every now and then to compare themselves with what they were in years previous, it's just amazing to see how different you look but also your opinions and thoughts on things change with experience in life.  I guess it's interesting to look at fresh out of high school me who was completely convinced he was going to work in New York and be a big shot stock broker to the current me who thinks that little prick is very naive and if he ever existed would be a waste of society.  Everyone needs money but now I look to a career for not just monetary gain but having a purpose.  There is me now who is far from naive, if not just a bit too cynical, that is looking forward to the federal agencies or the US Army.  One might just be a gateway to another but now I see it as a way to feel like I am doing something I won't wake up in middle age and wonder why I am doing it.  No matter the danger I feel I don't want to die without a few good scars beforehand.  

Then there is the emotional level of where I am at to where I was almost five years ago.  I had a girlfriend I just had professed my love to, I had a handful of friends, and then I had my parents, my loving mother I was trying to escape because she wanted me to stay close and my asshole dad that told me to run away far.  Now I look around and I have no one exetremely close to me another, no one I confide everything in or tell about my day whenever I get home.  My loving mother is dead and I miss her now even though I pushed her away and ignored her so much after I left for college.  My father is still an asshole and still pushing me far away with his actions even if he trying to verbally bait me into us being closer than before.  I have a few friends but the bonds seem to shudder with time and events.  On new years day coming home from work I was driving down harbison and there were no cars, no people, it was vacant and I realized I was going home to an empty apartment with no life in it, my plans for new years were casual.  At that moment in my life I realized my lonliness, and yet as depressing as it might be it just made me realize my own direction is completely determined by me now, no outside factors present.  

So in conclusion if 17 year old naive and money oriented phil ever met now present 22 year old cynical and passion oritented phil there would be a fight, the big question is who would win?  I miss so much 17 year old me had but at this point I can't look backwards anymore, I can only look forward and see what things bring me.  All I know is the work done in the coming months is going to be a good indicator of if I am finally coming out of the hollow I have been wallowing in for months upon months or if I am just going to lay there and die some more.

Better said by others
panic
psychospastic

"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind."

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."


Editing the meaning
panic
psychospastic
A few months ago I posted a few quotes that were bouncing around in my head, now i have a revised list.

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.”

"The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”

"More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself.”

"When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves.”

"masochism is a valuable job skill”

"Why is it you feel like a dope if you laugh alone, but that's usually how you end up crying?”

"You can kill a lifetime without feeling anything but skin.”

"First your parents, they give you your life, but then they try to give you their life”

"Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can hurt like hell.”

"Unless everything can get worse, it won’t get any better.”  


The bolded ones still seem to apply the others i don't see as much truth in at the present.

Songs seered into my mind
panic
psychospastic

Do or Die by Papa Roach

Today I saw my hero fall apart, the one who taught me to be strong
On the outside I look fine, but on the inside I am dying
My strength is overcome by pain, my love for you remains the same
The loneliness is setting in, I have no one to free my sins

It's never too late to live your life
The time is now, it's do or die
It's never too late to live your life
The time is now, it's yours and mine

Now it's my turn to help you out, cause you were there when I was down
It's hard for me to see you this way, losing all your sanity
You helped me keep my dreams alive, without you how will I survive?
It's time for me to be a man, now I finally understand ..

It's never too late to live your life
The time is now, it's do or die
It's never too late to live your life
The time is now, it's yours and mine

It's never too late to live your life (live your life)
The time is now, it's do or die
It's never too late to live your life (live your life)
The time is now, it's yours and mine

I can't run anymore, I can't hide anymore

Today I saw my hero fall apart, the one who taught me to be strong
On the outside I look fine, but on the inside I am dying

It's never too late to live your life
The time is now, it's do or die
It's never too late to live your life
The time is now, it's yours and mine

It's never too late to live your life
The time is now, it's do or die
It's never too late to live your life
The time is now, it's yours and mine

It's never too late to live your life (live your life)
The time is now, it's do or die
It's never too late to live your life (live your life)
The time is now, it's yours and mine

I can't run anymore, I can't hide anymore

Take Me by Papa Roach

Take me, and let me in
Don't break me, and shut me out
So take me (take me) and let me in
Don't break me (don't break me) and shut me out

I lit my pain on fire, and I watched it all burn down
And now I'm dancing in the ashes, and there's no one else around
Because I wanna be part of something, this is just a story of a broken soul

As days go by my heart grows cold
I can't seem to let this all pass me by ..

So take me (take me) and let me in
Don't break me (don't break me) and shut me out

I'm burning in the heavens, and I'm drowning in a hell
And my soul is in a coma, and none of my friends can tell
That I'm reaching out and getting nothing, this is just story of a broken soul

As days go by my heart grows cold
I can't seem to let this all pass me by ..

So take me (take me) and let me in
Don't break me (don't break me) and shut me out

So take me (take me) and let me in
Don't break me (don't break me) and shut me out

Don't shut me out ..

Does anyone around me feel the same?
Put your fist up, and vent your pain
Does anyone around me feel the same?
Put your fist up, and vent your pain

Does anyone around me feel the same?!
Put your fist up, and vent your pain!
Does anyone around me feel the same?!
Put your fist up, and vent your pain!

As days go by my heart grows cold
I can't seem to let this all pass me by ..

So take me (take me) and let me in
Don't break me (don't break me) and shut me out

So take me (take me) and let me in
Don't break me (don't break me) and shut me out

As days go by my heart grows cold ..
I can't seem to let this all pass me by ..

Take me ..

Don't break me .. 

Forever by Papa Roach

In the brightest hour of my darkest day
I realized what is wrong with me
Can't get over you. can't get through to you
It's been a helter-skelter romance from the start
Take these memories that are Haunting me
Of a paper man cut into shreds by his own pair of scissors
He'll never forgive her...he'll never forgive her...

Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever

Sitting by a fire on a lonely night
Hanging over from another good time
With another girl... little dirty girl
You should listen to this story of a life
You're my heroine-in this moment I'm lonely fulfilling my darkest dreams
All these drugs all these women
I'm never forgiven... this broken heart of mine

Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever,
Because days come and go but my feelings for you are forever

One last kiss,
before I go
Dry your tears,
it is time to let you go

One last kiss (one last kiss)
Before I go (before I go)
Dry your tears (dry your tears)
It is Time to let you go

Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go, but my feelings for you are forever

One last kiss (one last kiss)
Before I go (before I go)
Dry your tears (dry your tears)
It is time to let you go

One last kiss,
Before I go,
Dry your tears,
it is time to let you go,
One last kiss


(no subject)
panic
psychospastic
1 double shot of whiskey
 
7 shots of whiskey and 1/4 sour mix = 1 strong whiskey sour

1 pint of yuengling 

2 Yager bombs (red bull and yager)

6 cans of yuengling 

All in about three hours... barely any food... = the first time I have passed out in years and horrible hangover even after drinking another beer and taking 4 asprin.  

And now I ask myself... What the hell is wrong with you?!

Another Knockdown
panic
psychospastic
Life in general deals us all many blows.  They can get harder or they can get easier to take depending on the person and the actions.  I find myself off balance, they were finally going from harder to easier.  Then on Saturday I was given news that proves perhaps things have not gotten easier but so much harder.  On Saturday morning my mother passed away suddenly.  The cause of death I don't even wish to share here and only those close to me will probably ever know the details of it but it has not suddenly destroyed me but slowly chipped away at the strength I have, I feel weaker than I was before and I don't know if I will ever regain all that I have lost.  I can only try to remember the great things about my mother and try to not dwell on this dark set of days behind me and before me.  I lost the woman, who taught me how to be strong and be overall a good person, I find it hard to remain that way and the only thing that seems to keep me there is knowing she wouldn't want any different of me.  I suppose I shall see how much time it takes to heal these wounds, but as they say one no longer feels so much from skin covered in scar tissue. 

(no subject)
panic
psychospastic
YOU fill in the blanks about ME ... Even if you don't have any idea, try it anyway. But first post a blank one out to all your friends so they can return the favor to you. Be honest and make sure you repost it blank in your own LJ so I can do it for you!

My first and last name:
Summarize me in three words:
Where did we meet?
Take a stab at my middle name:
How long have you known me?
When is the last time that we saw each other?
What colour are my eyes?
What size shoe do I wear?
Do I drink?
Do I smoke?
Am I a virgin?
Am I happy?
Am I a good person?
What was your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me?
What's one of my favourite things to do?
Am I funny?
How do you make me smile?
How do I make you smile?
What's my favourite type of music?
Current favorite song?
Favourite author?
Favourite book?
Have you ever seen me cry?
Can I sing?
Can I dance?
What is the best physical feature about me?
What is my best character feature?
Am I shy or outgoing?
Do I have any special talents?
Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what)?
I'm hot? Am I not? Go ahead, you can say ... :
Have I seen you naked?
Have you seen me naked?
Have you ever wanted to see me naked?
Have you ever hugged me?
Wanted to?
Kissed me?
Ever wanted to?
Had sex with me?
Wanted to have sex with me?
Have you ever had a crush on me?
What is my favourite food?
What is my favourite color?
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?
What's your favourite memory of me?
What's the worst memory you have of me?
What is my worst habit?
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring?
Are we friends?
Did we used to be?
Do I believe in God?
Am I family oriented?
Who is my best friend?
Where do I work?
Do you ever miss me?

Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?

(no subject)
panic
psychospastic
You scored as Black Flag. YOUR BLACK FLAG!!!! Black flag led the american harcore punk scene in the late 70's and early 80's sure they didnt have much talent but they were a great band.

</td>

Black Flag

75%

Dead Kennedy's

63%

The Clash

56%

The Ramones

56%

The misfits

38%

The Sex Pistols

38%

What punk band are you!!!
created with QuizFarm.com

Passing it Along
panic
psychospastic
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

?

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