Sunday AM
panic
psychospastic
Why is the first hours of sunday always the most pensive time I have? It's always the time I can't escape.  It must be something of the idea of the last day of a week, the update of post secret, the rawness of the last vestiges of the weekend to be grasped before the common work week starts again.  For some reason if I am not immersed completely in something else I am deep within my mind.  The night seems so much quieter on this day alone, the ability to let go of my thoughts unable.  Work, family, relationships, even things that shouldn't take a second thought become so much deeper immerse subjects now.

 Anxiously..... scream into the silence.... nightmares and dreams intertwine so seamlessly.  My muse isn't even able to spark, the mundane holds it under the dark waters til it croaks its ethereal song of sleep.  I swear having to swallow another stress is going to feel about as good as barbed wire wrapped billiard balls.  Sleep can't ever come quick enough on a Sunday spent alone...

Complicated
malk
psychospastic
Pulling firing pins out of guns, Bandaging wounds, dumping empty liquor bottles....

Musing the dirty thoughts that inhabit my mind, feeling my sexual hunger and dominance rear forth like a primal roar, wrapping myself in words of hypothetical actions better played out....

Such contrast and yet this is where I sit trying to stay up as late as I can so I can become nocturnal again in about a day and a half, something not out of the question for me since I really belong here, in the lands of sleep for most and still darkness for me.  Only a few more hours til I can sleep through the dawn and into the day that most go about their work lives while I dream.  Some part of me makes me feel powerful to break the wheel, to live at the other side of the clock than most other people, while they get ready for their day, stressed and counting the hours, I am settling, done all I can do and ready to play with my daughter, to sleep, catch naps with her while everyone runs about their day, and yet I have nowhere to be and the only thing I care about is to eek out a few hours of sleep.  While others dream I run the platoon of the graveyard shift, we stock, we clean, and we organize things, customers becomes thieves, the ringing phone becomes unimportant and our service is get your shit and get out to the public.

Sometimes life can become so loud you need your times to dip your head almost under the water, like lowering yourself to just eye level, your ears under the surface to look at the calm waters before you, it also helps if you need to scream out in frustration not to add to the noise outside the water....

So little far far too late, the desperation is a push to a car long broken down, the way time works you cannot go back, find yourself again if you please but don't expect everything to fix

So little you have to do to make me smile, the frustration so delicious its like being hungry for the finest cut of meat to be hovered in front of your face, dangerous fantasies that range so widely I wonder what my mind is really screaming at me


 

Grip
panic
psychospastic
Grip

I cast my eyes upon the dark night,
Drawn down to things far more near.
I cast my eyes upon the ground before me,
The light extinguished from her eyes.

I call out to the heavens for forgiveness,
My voice a shrill echo of nothing.
I call out so close almost to touch,
Apologies fall deaf just after loosing from my lips.

The door remains open in the dead of night,
And yet I do not take a single step.
The door remains open to your hold on me,
The icy grip on my forearm tells me you still linger.

A single tear rolls into the void of my soul,
Heavenly beings don't even want look upon my visage.
A single tear rolls down the cool skin,
Dying now would be but redundancy.

The blood that flows through dark hearts,
Screams of agony bitten back into clenched teeth.
The blood that flows out of the freshly made wound,
Crimson drops into the dance of dilution.

In venere veritas
panic
psychospastic
Let's fall apart together now
Zipping cupid in a body bag well-worn

Next to the mausoleum he was born in
Picking up the pieces of this gory glory of it all
From eve to morn, for eve to mourn

Have no fear
There are wounds that are not meant to heal
And they sing in venere veritas
Come inside let the fire burn you alive
And sing baby sing
There are wounds that are not meant to heal at all
In venere veritas

Let's fall apart together now.


There is a method to our sadness
As we drag the mirror ball and chain
Through the twilight again dressed up in shame

We are begging for a reflection
From an unshuttered heart
To blind and chase us over the edge

These are the wounds that are not meant to heal at all

Let's fall apart together now
Let's fall apart together now

No Context needed
psychospastic
"Do you even like me anymore?"  "Promise me."  "Swear on your daughter?"  "Are you behaving yourself"  "I feel like you hate me now."  "I am not mad at you just mad at the situation."  "You never compliment me anymore, I want you to want to compliment me."  "All those people don't matter, I matter."  "When are you coming home?"  "Ugh fine.  I'll see you later."  "Who are those whores?"  "Daddy can't put down his laptop for us."  "Why can't someone else do what you do?  Why do they suck so much and you have to do that?  Why can't you come home now?  Tell them your wife hates them."  "It will be better next year."  "It will be better in February."  "It will be better in May."  "I don't want to put pressure on you, but you handle it better than me."  "You are my favorite."  "Did you come to bed last night?"  "I am the one you want to be with forever right?"  "I need you home now."  "Who you talking to?  Who is that?"  "Do you hate me?"  "Are you happy you married me?"  "Can you believe it's been almost five years?"

Bleed
panic
psychospastic
We've ignored the truth,
Tried to paint this perfect life
There's no ugliness, if we only close our eyes
But you cut too deep, too often
Now I'm hemorrhaging inside
It's too late to stitch up with a butterfly
Is this what you want? Is this what you need?
You tear out my soul! You watch as I bleed!
Is this what you want? Is this what you need?
You tear out my soul! You watch as I bleed!
I swallow all my hate,
Keep it buried deep inside
But I'm choking on a truth that I can't deny
That you cut too deep, too often
And now I'm hemorrhaging inside
It'll take more than a tourniquet this time

Death and Love
psychospastic
I know it hurts too much
I know that you're scared
I know you're running out of trust
Wishing you were dead
In your misery
You're not alone
So come share your tears with me
And witness it all go wrong
I know it and I feel it
Just as well as you do, Honey
It's not our fault if death's in love with us oh oh
It's not our fault if the reaper holds our hearts

Grad
panic
psychospastic

Graduated today.  In other random thoughts, how hard it is to wearing a hat the right way even when there is directions inside of what the front is... how did these people graduate college?!  That is all.


A Series of Unfortunate... Why?!
panic
psychospastic
Jump back to Friday June 27th.  Colby doesn't show up to work because he is quitting but doesn't tell anyone.  Two people work the busiest night of the week, I leave at 8 pm and get home at 9 am.  I sleep from 10 am to 6pm.  I get up and work on Stat homework til 8pm leave for work.  2 people work saturday, equipment breaks, work lasts from 8 pm to 8:30 am.  I sleep from 10 am to 4:30 pm.  Working on stat on sunday and watch movies for Research Paper in Criminal Justice.  Work from 8 pm to 6 am.  Go to class from 8 am to 1 pm.  Write Research paper til passing out at 4:30 pm, wake up at 7:30 pm.  Heading out for work in a few at 8 pm.  Research Paper due in 28 hours.  Statistics Final in 36 hours.  Working 10 hours before Research Paper, and 20 hours before Statistics Final.  How does one budget out 7 hours of free time for sleep and work over the next 36 hours on a pitiful amount of sleep and not die.  Quick Time Machine Stat!

(no subject)
panic
psychospastic
 Monthly update time for the hell of it.  

Went through the first round of midterm fun that all seem to fall on the same week and came out with 2 As, 1 B, and a C on tests.  Had three projects done then as well that I got two As and waiting on the third to see the grade.  Anthropology is done like a graduate level class as I have spent close to 10 hours on my first major project just doing data processing and research before the actual paper.  The good news is that I got to head home for three days to see rob off before he shipped to boot camp for the marines in late march.  I got to talk to my dad about the military option and amongst a lot of debate over it he basically doesn't agree but would support me as he wouldn't have much of a choice in the decision of what I do.  

The excercise program has been going well as long as I stay on task and try to run 4 to 7 times a week and do pushups and abs regularly.  Since december I have lost 17 lbs and only continue to lose more with my diet and excercise.  I am constantly tired with how much I work, go to school, do homework, and workout but I just need to continue the sprint for about 2 more months and I can just do the last three classes during the summer and be done and on with things.  Time to embrace the saying of "Never quit" for the next two months. 

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